Breakup ke baad ki 1 call

I had been in a long distance relationship and I loved it and hated it simultaneously. It had that feeling of misery and helplessness that we all want in some dark hidden corner of our heart. At least I understood what makes love stories so difficult and found it in a really hard way. Even now after quite a long time of breakup, I call her to get a feeling of that stupid belonging that I loved. Lets see if you can get a feel .

Me : Hiiii(in my cutest voice) – all excited

Her : hmmm

Me : yaar, baat karni thi ?

Her : Jab time that to ki nahi,ab breakup ke baad baat karni hai X-(

Me : (1 min silence)

Her : (2 min silence)

Me : Busy hai kya ?

Her: Haan, very.

Me : Baad mein karun ??

Her: Ho sake to kabhi nahi.

Me : (5 min silence) Ok, Bye !!

Phone disconnected !!!

Awesome,right ?

After this call , I will call up some friend and smoke up a cigarette and go back to sleep .

Should I Call or should not ??

It has been around 6 months without my girlfriend in my life and it feels like hell. I had some flings and normal flirting moments during this time but that didn’t help me get over with it. Whenever I touched other girls I imagined my girl with me and how happy she will be when I will do these things to her. But it didn’t happen. God knows why, and now even you do. It is because of my stupid and emotionally impulsive behaviour yet it is me and i refuse to change. I might be called sissy to reveal the emotional me but that’s the fun being a ghost writer, you don’t know me .Now the question is Should I call her again??

If I call her, she will remind me how I made her feel bad at times and that she has moved on and I should do the same. How I made her cry and how I wasn’t there when I needed her. Some complaints, isn’t it? May be or maybe not, we were in a long distance relationship and it takes a mature and patient to understand the situations and needs of a person so far away. We both lacked it and now here we are, alone and sad. At least I am.

So I want to call her but wont coz too much is at stake . My pride , my ego etc.

I am calling, bye !!

break up

My life has always been a dud till I left my hometown few years back to try myself in IT world. It turned beautiful when I left all emotions and relations to start a career in city of dreams, mumbai. But a strange thing happened at the start of this year. I fell in love . But I made a mistake of trying to leave mumbai to be with her in our hometown. No one can leave mumbai if the city doesnt want one to go. I tried and failed and the price of failure became too much of burden to bear. I have insulted my emotions as well as hers too by being so helpless. Sometimes I wanna ask people what is more painful . Not having something or losing the thing that you had. I guess both. And I had my share of both these . Today I have been again denied by my company to get a transfer. Yet again, I have failed and trust me this time the loss is more than just few months more of waiting. I just broke up with my girlfriend,sort of mutual ,coz we both are tired of missing each other . We will pretend as if we never existed . Lets try this also . Anyways there is no need to get a trasnfer now as the reason and motivation to come back to hometown is lost. O lord bless me for which I fell in love .

The year so far

The year started with great expectations and hopes. The prospects of MBA and good friends and coming back to my hometown after dozen odd months. It all seemed rather happy and confortable picture and suddenly out of the blue ,everything fell apart.
Lost some friends, chance to live with family, MBA degree, all have been delayed for atleast a year more . And God knows what will and can happen in this year . I want a new job but there is no vacancy. I want a transfer but no one will let me go. And here I am living like a sleepy man with a hollow life and nothing to do for some more months.
There is a famous fact of our family which mom always say to cheer me up .
We only get a part of what we want and then we have to wait a long time for the rest.

eg: If I get good result in written , wont get good result in GD/PI.

So moral of the story , Aim for the complete thing .

trying to get up!!

Its been an year since i left any serious studying or matter of fact ,any reading or writing work. And now when i am trying to live up to my own expectations for myself , its getting worse day by day. there is nothing that I am not doing to change my mindset to study , to concentrate to work harder, to get up and learn something new , but no this ' i give a damn ' or ' I am better off' attitude led to more problems than it seems. Thank god I am not the only person in this world who thinks that the ultimate pleasure lies in destroying urself , in getting wasted when the world zooms past you on the wheels of success and you remain in wherever shitty place or a pitiful condition you are in. The support i found is in the work of a russian writer. Just like me , he keeps babbling and writing stuff that doesnt change a fu*king thing on this world, doesnt inspire anyone or even make a light reading. This is what i am , a destoyed soul on the face of earth and supposedly i am the one who thinks i was a gonna be a great mind one day. How ironincal is my life gonna be!! That why i always say . My life is a perfect example of how you should not live .....

running at a standstill

Its been a month since my last post and nothing has changed . I am still workless and lonely in a large group as always. A group consisting of frustrated young males who are away from their girlfriends and some not even interested in girls anymore. It might be another co-incidence that I am again a person with the worst reputation in my ODC which is not my problem anyway .It is the only thing I have worked for so hard and I am happy to get the stares of caution and hatred coming my way . The only thing I am worried about is the fact that I am still without a girl in a city like Mumbai. Not that there are no girls out here but seriously why do you call them girls when some of them are sight to watch just like my roommate when he got full beard and expression of monkey up in his ass. Everyother piece of shit treats other people as if they are distant cousin of prity zinta or some equivalent beauty. The only reason for me to write all this shit is this I got pretty angry with my roommate when he pointed some laughs over me . trying to impress some assholes type girls he might have said something about me that inpired some smirks over their faces . And this is where I got pissed off and with my reputation of delivering the best angry actions , he might as well say goodbye to his vaio. I might not do it eventually but what's tha harm even if I do it coz he will never notice it .

Well, People consider my posts as confused thoughts of an immature person. But then no body thinks of himself as immaure or an idiot. I dont care what they say or think because according to me, my journey on this path of life has just started. It might take some time for me to appreciate the things I have left behind or rather the things I dont care about at his point of my life. I might sound insane but there is nothing right now that I am crazy about. I just want to cut away from this life , I might choose to die, than living such a hollow life. What will I do with such a mediocre life when there is nothing that can bind me to my family or to my home, or to my city or to this world. I will never get what I want at that time. I have to wait for it so long that the entire point of desire dies away. They say , that by this way I can learn more and value the things but that's all bullshit. When I want , I should get it,Then I can enjoy it the way I want , but If I have to wait and work to get it I might get recluse on the way and never ask for that thing again. In other words , I will never get the things when I want.all this might sound carzy and contradiction to itself , but living is an expensive , boring , mediocre and long hobby that people indulge in . They earn like kings , spend alike but in the end they die and nothing with them .So whats this competition all about , all these flashy things to boast about ?? when I cant have them , I dont care .